You ask your kid if they want the cup with a straw or without. They respond – straw cup. You hand them the straw cup. But from the WRONG ANGLE. And now they are on the floor in a puddle of tears and drool. Swap with a preteen or teen, and different situation, similar ending.

The mood is now tense, uncertain, and overwhelming. Or is it? Managing the emotions of strong willed kids and irritable teens, so that the vibe is joyful and relaxed is… impossible, but something in between these extremes is. It’s called co-regulation. It’s us as parents having the strongest mood in the room. Want to minimize or quickly extinguish melt downs?

Co-regulation is a parent/adult being the calm exoskeleton for the kid, so they can sync up their emotions and nervous system to a safe and soothed state. This goes the kid a role model for what to do, and a chance to practice it together, so they can do it on their own. Here are 5 ways to do that:

1. Practice calmness on your own, so those skills become muscle memory and easy to access when chaos happens. Calmness comes with expecting chaos and giving it space, the imperfections of the journey one must embrace. Calmness comes with self care (strategies and resources). Parents, gift your kids time for your own wellness (more strategies), so that you can be in the best mind space to think of creative solutions to support them.
   
2. Acknowledge the emotions of your kid – name them – “I see that you are frustrated,” “I see that you are scared.” You can use books or flashcards for emotions. Shows and movies that talk about emotions. Emojis and colors to easily track or describe emotions. Increase the family’s mood vocabulary. Talk about characters’ moods in shows and books. How do you think Bluey was feeling when that helped? Why do you think Riley was crying?
   
3. Provide security and grounding with a hug or squeeze of the hand or gentle reminder “It’s okay to be upset.” Be a strongly rooted and flexible tree. Your kids can find shade when they are too hot. Your kids can find shelter when they feel scared. No matter the storm they bring, they know your mood is predictable and calm. Don’t be angry with them, don’t shame them. They already feel bad. Maybe. They can’t help it. Probably.
   
4. Break up the moment with a mindfulness activity together like starfish breathing, 5 senses I spy, walking to a different room, drinking water, splashing cold water on the face, or a jumping jacks or plank contest. Practice these exercises in calm moments, too. Add it to calm routines of the day, like bed time or after they have eaten, or when they are in the car.
   
5. Give options for next steps (can either problem solve or leave and come back later to the issue or walk away from it altogether). Everyone loves options. Giving the kids control, also helps them gain confidence to take more control of the emotions.

Co-regulation doesn’t teach co-dependency. This role models a path forward on get back on track and builds problem solving skills. It gives kids the space to hear their body and brain. It gives kids a framework for next steps until they can become more independent and learn how to manage their emotions. Co-regulation allows kids to focus on their own emotions without having worry about responding to the parents’ emotions.

As they get older, adults can wait a little longer before stepping in, and/or as if the kid if they want support now or later. Often in a tantrum, my 6yo will say “I hate you” and want nothing to do with me, but then a few minutes later, she will be ready for a hug or she’ll have tried her breathing and moved on to a different activity or will use her words to negotiate what she wants.

We have been practicing these skills since she was 3yo and I’m so grateful to Kindergarten teacher and school counselors also teach them. What work for you and your kid? I would love to know what you tried and how it went!

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